Connecting Flight

Fearing I might miss my connecting flight in Atlanta, I thought of the time Amanda and I flew home to south Florida from Indiana. Exactly ten years ago, I believe it was, in June of 2009. It was the last time we flew together and the last time, she informed me, that she would ever fly with me again.

I don’t even remember the reason – if it was bad weather, over-booking, or what, but we did not get on our flight and I had a fit. A MAJOR FIT, I had. I mean, such a fit, that my sweet, sweet seventeen-year old daughter said to me, “Mom, you are nuts and I am never flying with you, ever again.” And she was so right. I was a hot mess of mixed nuts. Four months after that incident, I set out to make some changes just as major as that fit.

Besides revamping my entire lifestyle, I learned to look at things differently. One of my favorites, is the notion that everything we think or do, either stems from a place of love or a place of fear. It took me several hundred sunrises to see how true this is for me, which I found somewhat shocking, since I believed me to be the smartest person I knew.

Today, ten years after our airport incident, I can see how I was so focused on fear, many different forms of it, and hadn’t given love any consideration. Fear of being stranded. Fear of how much it would cost. Fear of Amanda’s fear – she would look to me for comfort and all I had to give, was fear. Oh, love for her I have a plenty, that was not the problem. The problem was, I kept my focus on all the fear instead of love. And Amanda, I am sorry.

This way of thinking has tremendously changed my life in such good ways and I often find myself thinking, If only I had known this when we were raising our children. Since “if only’s” are lonely, I instead choose to share what I have learned, and by doing so, say, “I am sorry,” to those whom I have hurt while reacting in fear. I also hope this blog helps others who struggle with some of the same issues with which I struggled.

Sure, I feel fear at the mere thought of doing this. And I have a trick to get me through it. I shall focus on the love I have for my family and friends rather than the fear I cannot put a face to.

Up a Tree, Ignorantly

While snapping this photo, I was full of fear for the kittens. This was their first time outside and they were only nine months old. So when I saw them go straight for this tree and run up it, I panicked and yelled, “Molly, Max, get down from there!”

Immediately, I thought of how I don’t want to be a yeller. I had been a yeller, I was a young yeller, and that’s where I draw the line – I’m not going to be an old yeller, not if I can help it! So I said, as calmly and lovingly as I could, “I mean, come here, Molly 🙂 come here, Max :), I don’t want you to get hurt, up in the tree…”

Hearing my brother laugh in the background prompted me to correct myself. “I mean, it’s not in the tree I am worried about, but more like you falling out of the tree and on to the other side of the fence, where those dogs are just waiting to rip you to shreds.”

“Oh… yeah,” I heard my brother say, “come on, Max,” he beckoned, after the kitten once again disobeyed my orders.

Their next time out, however, was a bit different. Proving to us the day before that they are fully aware of the dogs next door, they ran up the tree, then looked at me. “Okay,” I said, “I shall focus on love. I love you little kitties, and therefore, I want you to have a fun time playing outside, and since we’ve taught you all we know how, it’s time for you to learn on your own now. Just like a surgeon – if he never gets to perform surgery, how good a surgeon could he be? I also suppose the sooner the surgeon operates after completing school, the better it will be for everyone. So go, little kitties, and have some fun!”