Up One Rung

Most of my life, I thought that the secret to self-esteem lie in not caring about what other people think of me. That, and thinking highly of myself, were the ways to good mental health, or so I thought. Even after being told that I was wrong, I still remained convinced that the trick to getting over anxieties about what others might think, was to not care. Or at least act like it. But forcing myself to not care when I really did, created worse problems, causing me to set my site here to private. So if you got a message saying you do not have permission to access this blog, please know that it was not just you – it was everyone.

My seven faithful followers (as of 11.30.17) may remember my post about anxieties I experienced when I saw that people were reading my posts. While I have no way of knowing exactly who is reading (and if there is a way to know, I do not want to know), just knowing that someone is reading, really presented problems for me. When I saw the statistics, my heart would start racing and a sort of panic presented itself. I did not like this feeling and wanted it to stop, yet it did not.

All my wishing in the world did nothing to improve this. In fact, it sometimes made my anxiety worse. So I set my site to private and embarked on a mission to either give my fears merit or get over them, once and for all. I analyzed exactly what I was doing here and why I had this fear of what other people thought. This time I went about it differently, this time I prayed. And so far, this tactic has worked.

Today, I no longer concern myself with what people think of me. Neither do I try to fool myself into thinking that I do not care, for of course I care what other people think of me. The fact that it is none of my business, well that takes care of my caring. Just as it is no one else’s business what I think of another, what another thinks of me is none of mine.

And finally I feel free to be the me God intended for me to be. Finally, I can live with everyone not liking me. Finally I have moments of feeling happy, joyous and free, all at the same time even when life gets overwhelming. Finally, I feel like I am up one rung on the ladder of life. 



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