Fearing I might miss my connecting flight in Atlanta, I thought of the time Amanda and I flew home to south Florida from Indiana. Exactly ten years ago, I believe it was, in June of 2009. It was the last time we flew together and the last time, she informed me, that she would ever fly with me again.
I don’t even remember the reason – if it was bad weather, over-booking, or what, but we did not get on our flight and I had a fit. A MAJOR FIT, I had. I mean, such a fit, that my sweet, sweet seventeen-year old daughter said to me, “Mom, you are nuts and I am never flying with you, ever again.” And she was so right. I was a hot mess of mixed nuts. Four months after that incident, I set out to make some changes just as major as that fit.
Besides revamping my entire lifestyle, I learned to look at things differently. One of my favorites, is the notion that everything we think or do, either stems from a place of love or a place of fear. It took me several hundred sunrises to see how true this is for me, which I found somewhat shocking, since I believed me to be the smartest person I knew.
Today, ten years after our airport incident, I can see how I was so focused on fear, many different forms of it, and hadn’t given love any consideration. Fear of being stranded. Fear of how much it would cost. Fear of Amanda’s fear – she would look to me for comfort and all I had to give, was fear. Oh, love for her I have a plenty, that was not the problem. The problem was, I kept my focus on all the fear instead of love. And Amanda, I am sorry.
This way of thinking has tremendously changed my life in such good ways and I often find myself thinking, If only I had known this when we were raising our children. Since “if only’s” are lonely, I instead choose to share what I have learned, and by doing so, say, “I am sorry,” to those whom I have hurt while reacting in fear. I also hope this blog helps others who struggle with some of the same issues with which I struggled.
Sure, I feel fear at the mere thought of doing this. And I have a trick to get me through it. I shall focus on the love I have for my family and friends rather than the fear I cannot put a face to.